Today, my oldest of 4 starts high school. He is taking all honors classes and plans to get involved in clubs and sports and be popular. I believe that he is going to be a lot like Steve. Steve was popular with a lot friends, girls all over him, star athlete and excelling student. I will do everything in my power to keep him away from the drugs and alcohol. He is old enough to understand my story and he knows where the drugs will get him life, but in high school peer pressure is everywhere. I'm excited to see how a real high school kid acts and what they do. I never had that opportunity. Life is full of choices, obstacles, heart break, hurt, love, decisions, regrets and happiness but it's hard to work through all that and stay strong and determined Sometimes when you think you are at the end of it, keep pushing forward.
I wrote a poem, a poem that explains everything. A poem that explains my life, and explains my feelings towards all that I've lived through. I could never had said anything in a more perfect way, this poem explains all. I hope you enjoy it.
When you look into the eyes of the future you
often see the past
It's only when a wife is concerned for
the silent tears you shed
and that she cannot see, that it's discussed.
In that discussion you try to explain the difference
between silent tears and tears of silence.
The difference is as large as the imagination of a child.
Tears of silence are the tears of joy in watching
the future grow before your very eyes.
They are the tears of joy---healing the heartache
and watching for the choices between right and wrong and
teaching the difference.
Silent tears are those that are not seen by man or woman,
they are the tears created and seen only by a child.
Eventually you try to explain to your partner that these
tears not seen are for the flashes of the past,
The flashes that occur from time to time
They are the emotions that are raised when you find yourself disciplining a child,
wondering---have I crossed that line?
The conversations that you never had that would change
the meaning of your tears forever are yet to be born.
The conversations that would bring the voice to those silent
tears are the monsters under the bed.
The words that would wake the dead are
better left to those poor soulds buried without tears,
be they tears of silence or silent tears.
One day a man decides that the monsters under the bedd
are real and very much alive.
They live in his mind as a memory
reborn when he closes his eyes to sleep.
As time goes on they cause the ability to sleep with his eyes
open, instilling fear in the one that sleeps next to him.
She wonders what could have happened to a
man that would cause such a trait.
She sits wondering what events have occurred that would
bring a man to such a fear of the dark.
A fear of the sounds that only a mother makes as she walks
into his bedroom.
Somehow the sleep that is required by this man is
replaced with midnight awakenings in a shout of fear.
The need to stay awake overpowers the need
to sleep---again the body and the mind have adjusted.
Notwithstanding this, a son's love for his mother is
stronger than the willpower required to keep
the silent tears unheard.
Mom---I love you.
And more than that, I forgive you.
Please forgive me for giving voice to the once silent tears.
Now, like you, please, please let the monsters
under the bed be put to rest.
My little boy is starting school today. We just went shopping for new school clothes and new school supplies for him. During my childhood, this was the right around the time I started to get abused. This was the time I went to school hungry, smelly, and dirty. I'm proud of how far I've come from then. I'm also proud of how much my kid is growing up. He and the other kid I have are exactly how little kids should be, and I'm proud to say that I'm raising them right. I'm raising them the correct way, the way every kid should live. I hope later in life, my kids look back and realize how good they're life was and I hope they never waste a minute of it. I'm excited to see them grow as the years go by.
Today we found out that Joanne is pregnant. This is the most exciting news I've heard in such a long time. I've been thinking about how I would act as a dad for a long time now. I used to be scared of the idea of being a parent to any other human being, because I never thought I could grow up myself. But now, since Joanne has helped me, I am ready. I know that I won't carry the abuse on to my kids. I crushed the idea that that disease would carry on to my family, a long time ago. I'm a different then how my mom was. I will show my kids the meaning of life, and how to be strong and detirmined. I vow, to never ever lay a hand on any of my kids, or hurt them emotionally. My kids will grow up strong and healthy, and I will grow with them, every
I am getting married today! It's scaring me to think that someone is getting this close to me, without running away. I do love her, I love her a lot, I'm just not used to having this kid of love and trust. My soon to be wife, Joanne, has helped me grow as a person, and reach my full potential in life. I now fully understand why I went through all I did. She is my reward and I can't be more thankful. Having someone to open up to, someone that knows me for who I truly am, the good and the bad, that means more to me then she will ever understand.